Attorney General Bill Barr has a huge list of accomplishments. From covering up for everyone involved in the Iran/Contra scandal, to covering up for George H.W. Bush, and lying about the Mueller report, he’s definitely a man to have in your corner if you’re a little south of Honestville.
And speaking of dishonest, he just found a secret Iranian bank account belonging to none other than Barack Obama, containing over 4 billion dollars. Just like that.
“I don’t recall. Do I get to go to Disneyland now?”
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Using keen detective skills, the pudgy John Wick of Attorney Generals picked up a phone, called an Iranian bank at random, and asked if they had bank accounts. The voice on the other end spoke Arabic, which Barr is unfamiliar with, but he told reporters that he had : “a keen sense this had to do with Obama”, and assumed that the respondent was referring him to a bank account containing four billion dollars, since he heard the word “four” in there somewhere. “Phor” is Arabic for : “there’s a fat white man in the phone.”
The National Iranian Gringotts Branch usually just hangs up when they hear a muggle, so it’s a testament to Barr’s notoriety.
Barr reached his conclusion early Monday morning, and immediately sent details to internet outlets teeming with teabaggers who buy anything that jibes with their paranoid schizophrenic version of reality.
The announcement, thus far, has been met with shouts of “putting him in Gitmo”, “go after Hillary next”, and in one perplexingly racist response, a woman from Kentucky spelling out “black eggplant money vomit poopy top hat chicken” in emoticons.
Barr is extremely certain that this report will ensure his invitation to Mar-a-lago for this year’s annual “White People’s White Christmas Caucasaganza” featuring Donald Trump as Santa and Mike Pence as Mrs. Claus. And all it took was a nose for the truth. Thanks, Obama!